The Writing's On The Wall...

Well, it's official - last Friday I signed the relevent piece of paper that means my time in Japan will now come to an end as of late July this year. Mixed feelings really - excitement at being able to see longtime friends and family again, relief at being able to live somewhere where I can communicate properly with strangers but also sadness at leaving all this behind, as well as trepidation at the amount of preparing I'll have to do prior to my departure.

Let this therefore be my first mention of something I'm likely to scribble about repeatedly over the next few months, namely the fact that EVERYTHING in my small, yet cluttered apartment has to be either shipped home or got rid of before I leave. Due to local government cutbacks, I will be the last in a long line of JETs to live at my current address and work at my current school, so no handing over the reins and passing on of all the useless junk I and several others have accumulated over the years for me. Instead, all I've got to look forward to is no doubt a great deal of stress, frustration and wrestling with Japanese waste disposal laws.

Still, hard though all that's doubtless going to be, at the same time I'm now looking forward to really making the most of what little time I have left out here - though obviously balancing that out with my imperative need to save enough money to keep myself afloat while contemplating my next career move in the UK, of course...

To slightly brighter news, examples of my musical 'talents' are now up for all to see and dismiss at Rupert Murdoch's latest cashcow MySpace - go to www.myspace.com/78ratio hear the home demos recorded a couple of years ago by Mark, Sophie and myself while we all shared a house together in Brighton, getting drunk in the evenings and proceeding to do silly things with a few guitars and a computer.

Pt. 4/4: Three Wheelers, Linguistic prowess and all the Spice that’s Fit to Eat – Top 5 reasons why Sri Lanka is Great, Generally

..because I’d hate to finish on a downer.

1. The food

Facile, yes, but when you like curry as much as I do, and you’ve been in Japan for as long as I have, maybe you too will eat probably more than you really need to, even going so far as to order it in pretty shabby restaurants where it might not, ahem, digest as well as it might. The rice is something to behold too, at least for me for whom the chunky, sticky Japanese variety has become the norm, as opposed to the drier, lighter, more fragrant kind that complements those meats, vegetables and sauces so well, oh yeah…If I could do it all again, I’d probably also get through far more spicy samosas than I did, for it truly is the snack of kings…

2. The general standard of English

Used to seeing mangled forms of English on a daily basis while in Japan (“We can help with super OK happy get time” and so on…), it truly was a revelation to see signs and billboards written in simple, flawless English and to have conversations about politics, history, culture and people with any number of taxi drivers, waiters and hotel owners. It really is remarkable, and seriously highlights how far short Japan falls, for all the pressures to learn English exerted by its schools and various ministries.

Admittedly, there are more than a few major reasons for this discrepancy, not least Sri Lanka’s economic dependence on tourism and the fact that the Japanese never had to contend with the British marching into their country, pointing guns at them and demanding that they learn the lingo or else, but still. In what you could call a ‘developing country’ with something like a 93% literacy rate and two native languages, the quantity and quality of spoken English (not to mention German too) is pretty remarkable to say the least.

3. Tuk-tuks

Three-wheeled scooter/carriage hybrids also found in Thailand and India, tuk-tuk taxis are great. This holiday was my first chance at riding in one, followed by many more opportunites over the next couple of weeks, with every journey an unpredictable white-knuckle thrill ride. The fun begins before you even get in, with the complexities of the fare negotiation (“300 rupees,” “Come on, I went to the same place yesterday and paid 75. 100 rupees, final offer,” etc.), followed by the excitement and occasional moments of terror as the driver weaves you precariously through the dangerously unpredictable chaos of Sri Lanka’s lawless roads.

Clapped-out busses belch smoke in your face, two-lane traffic ceases to mean anything and souped-up rival tuk-tuks try and outdo each other in terms of reckless maneuvers. It’s quite a trip. Also of note are the considerably rarer, but extraordinary ‘cigarette ice cream van’ variety, selling all manner of dubiously acquired foreign tobacco brands, sweets, lighters and other bits and pieces, easily identified by bizarre horns and sirens, flashing lights and crazy modifications that make them look like something from a Terry Gilliam movie.

4. The people

When one makes claims of ‘the people’ of any country, they are always, of course, making the mistake of lumping everyone together when we all know that populations, by their very nature, exhibit a wide variety of differing behaviors and personalities. Of course, what such people actually mean is ‘I had no particularly bad experiences from anyone I met’, and aside from our shifty law-enforcement officer and a couple of surly waiters, this is what I found to be the case in the former Ceylon. Random men may well have accosted us and attempted to steer us towards certain shops and lead us on wild goose chases in Colombo’s markets, insistent touts may well have been quite forward in trying to get us taxis and accommodation when we required neither, but overall the smiles we got from strangers and the interactions we had with the various people we came into contact with were great.

When you consider how much damage the 2004 tsunami caused, how much controversy there is regarding unspent foreign aid and drastically reduced numbers of tourists, that by far the majority of people I met were friendly, courteous, polite and in no way outwardly bitterly resentful at us or the myriad problems that so many in the country have had to face (even before you factor in the whole simmering Tamil separatist conflict), it’s pretty humbling.

5. In their own ramshackle way, the trains

Wires in the ceiling where fans used to be attached, broken window shutters permanently yanked at 45 degree angles, ominous pools of liquid collected outside the on-board toilet, stations with no telephone and a manager with no idea as to when the next train will arrive, doors that are left open in transit and the law of the jungle when it comes to securing a precious seat are just some of the delights that await the user of Sri Lanka’s railways – JR it ain’t. It is an experience though, something I definitely can’t say about the Wakayama to Osaka service, with the less savoury aspects made up for by the on-board busking entertainment, food sellers, spectacular scenery to be seen outside and outlandishly cheap fares. At least as far as this condescending bourgeois middle-class traveler is concerned.

So if you’re reading this, go there – business isn’t exactly booming, the tourist industry needs reliably steady income as much as it needs ‘mislaid’ charity contributions, there’s loads to see and do, it’s cheap once you’re there and it’s another destination to chalk up on this marvelously diverse world we live in.

Pt. 3/4: Prohibition, Rozzers on the Take, Sartorial Carnage and Airborne Irritants - The Worst 5 Moments Of The Trip

…because even the best holidays have lowlights.

1. Kandy’s draconian drinking laws

We’re still not sure if this was just confined to Kandy itself or whether it was the case nationwide, but our chosen location to see in the New Year turned out to be a tad more disappointing than we’d originally hoped. Mainly because as of midnight, New Year’s Eve, every bar in the city without exception stopped serving alcohol for a period of 24 hours. Whether this was because of the Islamic community, the fact that the president himself happened to be in town, or due to an uncompromising attempt to ensure civil order on one of the most potentially rowdy nights of the year, none of us know. Suffice to say, we were able to have a few drinks in an expat bar before the booze shutters came crashing down, nothing else seemed to be happening in town, and upon arriving back at our hotel at ten to one, found ourselves locked out. We finally got let in, but were then told that the champagne Mark had brought and that we requested be put in their fridge to chill was unrecoverable that evening. Cue an early night and the unusual sensation of waking up on New Year’s Day feeling refreshed and not ill in the slightest.

2. Great rooms but terrible service one night, terrible rooms but great service the next.

At the Sunani Hotel, Kandy and ‘The really weird place in the middle of nowhere our driver took us to the night before New Year’s that I don’t know the name of’ respectively.

3. Looking Sri Lankan police corruption directly in the face and having it smirk back at you

Following a pleasant meal in Colombo with Mark’s parents, there were the three of us speeding back to our hotel in a tuk-tuk when we get pulled over by a cop. He says something to the driver in Sinhalese, then looks at us sitting in back seat and demands we all get out. He then proceeds to ask us for our passports – only Mark had his on him, Sophie and I having left ours back at the hotel. You know, so that we wouldn’t lose them or anything. This chap, quite a young guy, slaps Mark on the shoulder, says he’s “okay”, looks at Sophie and I, smiles and lets some air out through his teeth in a “well now, what are we going to do with you then?” kind of way. When all three of us explain that the passports are back at the hotel and that he’s more than welcome to swing past there and inspect them himself if he wants, he just looks at us, smirks maddeningly and then looks into the middle distance as though he’s waiting for something.

Sophie starts to get rather impatient with the guy’s attitude, as well she might, starts to protest and is then angrily rebuffed by the copper, who spells it out – “This is NOT your country, you need PASSPORT!” – what happened after that I can’t quite remember. I think the tuk-tuk driver may have said something, or maybe the copper’s colleague did, I don’t know, but somehow he dismissed us all with an angry shake of the head and a scornful expression. Not keen to hang about, we sped off.

In conversation with guide Sam a few days later, he was of the opinion that all the cop wanted was to fleece a couple of tourists and get a bribe from us, which we’d all suspected anyway, though with Sam’s family connections in the police, we got confirmation from someone who knew what he was talking about. Talk about the wrong arm of the law…

4. Having my beloved leather jacket partially munched by beastie(s) of unknown origin

With Japan being as cold as it was and Sri Lanka as hot as it was, upon our initial arrival both Mark and myself were reluctant to drag our bulky winter wear around with us for the next fortnight. After asking at the desk of our the-flight-landed-in-the-middle-of-the-night-so-we-really-need-somewhere-
to-stay-and-we’re-not-fussed-where hotel, the morning we checked out, they very kindly agreed to keep our jackets there until we came back again en route to our return flight at the end of the holiday. Great, until it was time to pick them up, whereupon the collar of my much loved second-hand leather jacket was revealed to have been eaten away by species unknown. I made a point of drawing the owner’s attention to it, but beyond expressing disappointment there was nothing I could do. They were ultimately going out of their way to do me a favour, no money had changed hands and I’d put it there at my own risk. That’ll teach me to be a lazy freeloader…

5. The bites, dear God the bites…

I’m of the opinion that Sri Lanka’s population of mosquitoes are the highly trained, elite stealth bomber precision-strike ace pilots of the mozzie world – the bastards seem to know exactly what location on the foot is likely to cause the most discomfort, they seem well-versed in the technique of carpet-bombing both forearms simultaneously, causing the victim much simian-esque scratching humiliation the following day, and even pioneering offensives such as biting a victim on the ear. Make no mistake, Sri Lankan mozzies are true professionals, even malarial in certain regions (meaning they really pack a payload). Mozzie nets and tactically positioned incense coils can slow them down, but ultimately there is no escape, the only consolation being that their bites rarely irritate for more than a day or two, unlike their sadistic Japanese counterparts…

Pt. 2/4: Dub Reggae, Homosexual Elephants, Posh Nosh and Levitating Teeth - The Top 5 Things We Did

1. Riding an elephant bareback for half an hour before joining in with its bath time

Okay, so this is about as touristy an activity you could ever hope for, but I don’t care – I rode an actual elephant, dammit (albeit a rather elderly female one that kept randomly wandering off into roadside bushes in search of a snack) and found out what pressurized water shot out of an elephant’s trunk and hitting you in the face actually feels like. My thighs may have ached for days afterwards, thanks to the dress of the elephant keepers I may now have posed in one of the least PC pictures I could possibly imagine (see above) and a change of clothes may have been required before our driver let us all back in the car afterwards but it was cool…

2. Bentota Beach and the Wunderbar Hotel

For several days prior to Sophie’s arrival, Mark and myself had an extremely relaxing time hanging around the beach front at Bentota. Of the numerous hotels there, we appeared to have found the best in the form of Hotel Wunderbar, one of many Germanic-sounding ones thus named so as to attract Sri Lanka’s many Teutonic tourists. Indeed, there plenty of German guests there at the same time as us, giving me ample opportunity to road-test my shaky German, but what made this place and the time we spent there so great was the extremely large and cheap room Mark and I shared, the brilliant wide verandah running the length of the floor outside, the laidback restaurant with Bob Marley posters everywhere and Dub Reggae frequently on the sound system and the excellent beach, less than six minutes walk away with enough sun loungers to keep even the Germans happy and enough mangrove shade to prevent my skin from catching fire.

Throw in regular bongo parties on the beach, a none-more-laid back vibe and close proximity to town and you’ve got yourself a winner. We tried to stay there again for our last few days, but the owners inexplicably jacked the price up to ludicrous levels just around the time our rupee supplies were running low – still, no one’s perfect.

3. An early morning jeep safari

Worth getting up at the crack of dawn after a very busy day for, this involved us clambering into a battered old jeep for a ride around some very picturesque jungle plains where we got to see lots of elephants (including a gay male couple, according to our driver/guide Sam – not sure if he was telling the truth but they did both look rather camp to me) and a large number of birds. Latter included visual evidence that peacocks can actually fly, and very impressively too. With the jeep’s canvas roof rolled back, and all of us standing and leaning out at various points, the wind rushing past our heads while the jeep’s four wheel drive battled potholes and ditches, it was certainly a bracing start to the day.

4. Witnessing the tea-making techniques and extraordinary scenery of Nuwara Elija

Nuwara Elija is located in central Sri Lanka, way above sea level, it’s where most of the country’s tea produce comes from (19% of all the tea produced globally, fact fans) and the place where ghosts of the country’s colonial linger on more clearly than elsewhere. Lots of posh hotels, restaurants, country clubs and even a golf course or two here – we satisfied ourselves with a medium-level hotel, a slap up feed of top nosh at a boss posh eatery by the name of ‘St Andrews’ and a tour around one of the region’s many tea factories. Much cooler climate-wise than elsewhere too, owing to the elevation – almost like being in the Scottish highlands during summer, oddly enough.

5. Kandy and the Tooth Temple

It is said that those fond of confectionary or ‘candy’ are in possession of a sweet tooth – well, Kandy the city is in possession of arguably the sweetest tooth of all, namely an upper canine (possibly) taken from the cremated ashes of the Buddha himself. All of which agonizing punnery is a roundabout way of saying that Kandy’s Tooth Temple is quite a special place, even more so when the temple’s monks throw open the doors to its inner sanctum and allow the general public to gawp at the receptacle containing the legendary artifact, if not the tooth itself. Said container is pretty bling to say the least, though a bit difficult to see properly what with its decorative jewels reflecting all of the low-level light and the monks hurrying you and the massed crowds past the small hatch you have to view it through.

Apparently, the last time anyone opened the container it was to take a hammer to the tooth and destroy it for all time, whereupon the tooth rose into the air, hovered for a bit and glowed like the sun. Cue would-be vandal hastily converting to Buddhism and spreading the word. I’m going to make sure that I’ve got my Black & Decker on me next time I go, because that has got to be worth the entrance fee…

Pt. 1/4: ‘What I Did On My Holidays’ by Callum Fauser, age 24 and 11 months

Got back to the frozen wastes of Wakayama little over a week ago now, so ought to post some sort of Sri Lanka-centric entry really. Well, what was one of the most painstakingly pre-organised, logistically complicated holidays I can ever remember going on, happily also ended up being one of the memorable and enjoyable. By way of an extremely brief précis, I journeyed with good chum Mr. Mark Seymour from Kansai Airport, Osaka via Singapore (with a grueling 6 and a half hour transfer time) and from there to Colombo, Sri Lanka, whereupon we wasted little time in heading south to the west coast beaches of Bentota to meet with Mark’s parents.

An extremely chilled few days was had by all, after which the four of us journeyed back up north, met with Mark’s girlfriend, erstwhile housemate and uni chum Sophie, before bidding farewell to Mark’s folks, journeying east to Kandy city, north a bit more to see some sights and animals, back down again to the city in time for new year, further south and into the mountains to see tea being made and the high life being lived at Nuwara Eljia, before journeying westwards and downwards back to the beach for our last few days before the departure of Sophie and eventually Mark and myself, a somewhat lengthy 12 hours later.

There’s the outline – now, rather than go through it all in painstaking detail, giving a blow by blow account, behold my cheap, Nick Hornby-inspired list-tastic approach to expanding on what we did and saw over the two and a bit weeks that we were out there. Starting with…