Harmony, tranquility…and two lumbering brutes playing frightening rock music…

The koto is a fine instrument – an oriental harp, originally brought over from China around the 8^th century, it resembles a zither and makes a lovely, soothing noise when played well. Hearing five or six of them being played simultaneously is even better. The skill, poise and talent clearly required to get it sounding good engenders deep respect for its players (at least from me). It’s also bloody big, played in a similar way to a pedal steel but about three times the size, made of a hoofing great slab of wood – and the deep, resonant bass koto weighs in at an even larger size than that.

Conversely, the standard acoustic guitar is an instrument much beloved throughout history by huge numbers of people for the way its portability, ease of use and relative cheapness has made the act of making music accessible to the masses, from world-weary blues players to disenfranchised protest singers to bourgeois middle-class white boys with angst issues…hey, it can even be played with a modicum of success by violently hungover ex-pats who have been drafted in to entertain the great and the good at a culture centre in a small Japanese town on a blisteringly hot Sunday afternoon.

Yes, yours truly and partner in busking-related crime Sean Casey found ourselves at the weekend playing to a roomful of completely bemused spectators who’d come to see some hardcore koto action, only to find themselves, halfway through the concert, staring in horror at these two herberts who’d popped up between koto renditions screaming “f*ck you, I won’t do what you tell me…MOTHERF*CKER!” at them.

In our defence, we kind of fell into it. Sean hadn’t been able to say no when someone he knew approached him to do something in the name of ‘local international cultural exchange’ and the idea of bringing our reckless musicianship, well-honed from boozy evenings playing to the mean streets in front of JR Wakayama Station, to a well-to-do cultural event seemed perversely entertaining. Okay, so our choices might have been a little better, but they were the only ones we were any good playing.

So it was that we treated the citizens of Kokawa town and several giggling foreign English teachers (cheers again Gemma, Mercedes, Rich, Noel) to ‘Bright Lights and Music’ (one of mine, about a guy who accidentally kills himself) ‘Paranoid Android’ (well, it seemed like a good idea at the time…sort of…), ‘You Know How I Do’ (by Sean-approved American rockers Taking Back Sunday, with added harmonies probably the best one we did) and, um, ‘Killing In The Name Of’ by agit-metallers Rage Against The Machine. Okay, the last one was just us being mischievous.

Each number was surprisingly greeted by polite applause rather than violent lynching, and people didn’t seem to mind too much about the swearing…though the reaction of the startled 8-year-old girl sitting near the front when Sean hit the aforementioned “MOTHERF*CKER!” at the climax of ‘Killing…’ did make me feel a little bit bad afterwards.

Still, having gone for the shambolic comedy angle, knowing full well how bad we both looked when compared to the elegant ladies and their koto-playing loveliness, we just about survived and were treated very well indeed by the café next door, happily supplying two full lunches to us and our assembled friends for gratis, bless them.

Hannah, it should be noted, acquitted herself brilliantly, playing as part of a koto ensemble and on flute as part of a duet. Having seen the mind-bending sheets of paper consisting of kanji, hieroglyphics and difficult to follow tables that make up Japanese koto notation, my admiration for what she managed to achieve is all the higher.

See above for some video of how it should be done, and a picture of how it really, really shouldn’t…